Stalling

I'm chickening out.

The last week or so has been terribly cloudly and gloomy, and tomorrow is supposed to be more of the same. But Tuesday is predicted to be bright and sunny and beautiful. So, if I think she'll be ok one more day, I am holding off on having the vet come until Tuesday.

We bought the house we did in part because of its big, fenced yard that even the cats wouldn't get out of. Suki has spent her life living mostly indoors, either below or far above ground level. She got to go outside and eat grass and lay in the sun for a while on a leash several years ago, but hasn't been able to in years. So I was happy to be able to let her out safely. Until she found the hole in the fence. Then I kept her in, for weeks and weeks because we couldn't get around to fixing it properly. They'll have the whole next summer to go out, after all, right? I want her to have one last morning in the warm sun, though it will be too cold to go outside. We have a window seat facing the morning sun, and she liked to go there before she got sick. Now on Tuesday I will get up early and help her get up on it and sit with her a while.

You know, knowing that it is coming doesn't actually make it any easier. And for someone like me, who doesn't ever kill bugs if I can help it (I scoop them up and put them outside), the idea of scheduling the death of my pet is just about as traumatic as the death itself. I will have to do this four more times in the next 10 years or so, though, so I guess I'd better get used to it.

Two Unrelated, Random Thoughts

First:

I must be burning extra calories by making all of this snot, right?


Second:

It is way too early for Peanut to be changing the station to QVC every time she gets her hands on the remote. It will always be too early for that, actually.

It Is Time

Tomorrow is D-day for Suki. It is odd to me to know the day a life is going to end, as it was odd to know in advance the day Peanut was going to be born. It's not the way things are supposed to work, is it? But the time has come. Thursday afternoon I noticed her kind of tripping on one of her back feet. I called the vet, and they said without examining her they couldn't say whether it was from the tumor pressing on her spine or whether it is from the cancer metastisizing to her brain. There is nothing to be done that would give her more than a few days or weeks of relief anyway. Once the weakness started, it spread rapidly. Since I first noticed the problem she has lost nearly all strength in that leg and much of her hind end is also weak. She can barely climb a stair, and needs help to get on the bed or a chair. I am waiting until tomorrow because her original vet can come to the house then, as Suki has always been terrified of the car and I don't want her to have to go through that. So that's our sucky weekend.

I have put all anger at T. aside for the time-being. He has been sick for the last week along with Peanut, and I came down with this same terrible cold on Thursday as well. I can't deal with being sick, my baby being sick, being angry at him, and putting my cat to sleep all at once, so I am letting go of anger. It was time anyway. I love my husband very much, and he's a good man. He doesn't screw up often, though when he does, it's a doozy. So I'm going to focus on the "doesn't screw up often" part and go with him to therapy when he's ready and figure out how to stop self-destructive behavior before it really starts. Therapy has helped him enormously in the past, as it has helped me. I don't know why it is having a perfect stranger tell you things you somehow already knew works so well, but it does.

I'll try to have a cute baby picture the next time, to make up for all of this.

The Good.

This is why we'll stay married, and be okay.

Ugh.

I am having a big issue with my husband now. As in an Are-we-going-to-stay-married issue. We will, for now. We will see a therapist together to see what can be done to prevent this from ever happening again. No, he didn't cheat on me, and he didn't smack me or take crack or gamble money away at the casino. Writing those things helps me put things in perspective a bit, but it doesn't make what happened any better. Anyway, I may put this on hiatus a bit, seeing as I need to euthanize my cat in a few days (her tumor has spread so her back legs aren't working right), and I caught Peanut's cold and my God how did she survive it? My class is over (which does make me sad), and I already gave this blog's URL to my instructor to read so I can get credit for the journaling. Right now, things are just kind of sucky, but we'll get through. Sorry for the downer.