Saturday, April 30, 2005

If You Really Needed A Reason

Hilary Clinton came to speak in Madison last night for Wisconsin Women in Government's scholarship fundraiser. The response from state Republicans?

"Sen. Hillary Clinton's keynote address will likely be another attempt to re-invent herself in the eyes of the American public," state party chairman Rick Graber said in a statement.

"Instead of trying to change history, perhaps Sen. Clinton should spend time working with the Senate leaders in Washington to address the issues of today, such as Social Security reform, the tax burden and the appointment of federal judges."

Yes, she'd better remember her place. Getting uppity there, thinking she might be President someday.

I have been sitting here, trying to think of words to express how this made me feel, but I think you all get it.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Parents Of Young Kids, You Know What I'm Talking About

I want the top rack of my dishwasher back.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Don't You Dare Say One Bad Word About Her

You know the whole thing about Mommy Brain? I have it. I turned down the opportunity for a press pass and chance to interview Hillary Clinton on Friday night for the radio station where my brother works. I turned it down because I know my head is so fuzzy that I wouldn't have been able to do the job as well as I thought I should. I should have accepted anyway, just for the experience. Instead, I gave the chance to a good friend who will do a wonderful job and is over the moon happy about the experience, so at least I have that to feel good about.

I am so going back to school this fall.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Nothing To See Here

I'm ok, everyone. Blogger had my blog screwed up for a while, and I've been insanely busy. I'm feeling better too. Hopefully this week will be more calm, and I can have more time for writing. So no worries, you all can go on about your business as usual...

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

You Thought I Felt Sorry For Myself Before? You Ain't Seen Nuthin' Yet

Stuff has been bothering me recently, and I have decided to go into counseling and deal with it. Specifically, I am having a difficult time letting go of my anger over Peanut's medical problems. I cannot seem to get over the grief I feel for my lost expectations of her life. This is affecting large portions of my life and my relationships. My husband and I are having a hard time getting along. I have virtually ignored some of my friends with healthy children, and am having a very difficult time being around the few I still see regularly. I feel like I have nothing in common with them anymore, and seeing their beautiful children walking and having a normal life is like a knife in the heart every day. My world has devolved into an obsession with disability politics, support groups, and medical journals.

Maybe this is normal. Maybe this is to be expected. That doesn't mean I have to like it. I don't want to limit myself to having as friends only people who know firsthand what I have been through, who have watched their baby wake up screaming after general anesthesia, who have spent time wondering if they'll even live, much less have some semblance of a normal life. I don't want to hurt people I love, to miss their children growing up.

I was reading the last few posts at Chez Miscarriage about infertile women not being comfortable sharing in the joy of others' healthy and easy conceptions and pregnancies. I never felt like that. Maybe it was because I didn't have to go through as much effort to get pregnant, just time. One of my dearest friends got pregnant the first month she tried, and while I was envious I didn't have any trouble hearing about it. I know I'm in the minority having fertility problems, and felt if I went around getting upset at people who had it easy that way I would be upset all the time. But here I am, with that anger I didn't feel during pregnancy, now aimed at people who did what the vast majority of women do, which is give birth to a healthy baby.

I am not surrounded by inconsiderate people. To the contrary, every single one of my friends has been wonderful to me. Some have been exceedingly supportive, there with me whenever I needed them. Some have treated me pretty much the same as always, so I could have someone to talk to when I didn't want to talk about anything related to Peanut's situation. So I don't know why it is that I feel so cut off from them now. I hate this. My friends should be able to share how well their kids are doing with me. I have always thought one of the great joys of having kids is being able to brag about them to other people who love them. It isn't like I don't (Despite what you see in that last picture, she can eat with a spoon now, and fairly well when she decides to. And she's made up her own signs to tell me she is hungry!). I feel like I am being horribly selfish, like I am asking others to walk on eggshells if they want to be my friend. How can I call myself a friend when I can't allow them to share the most important part of their lives with me? And my poor husband. I feel like I have nothing else to talk about with him, and I expect him to always be strong for me, because I have no strength left for anyone else.

So that's why I am going to get the counseling. It has been suggested that maybe I'm being too hard on myself. It is possible. All I know is that I need to let go of this and move on. This has happened to my family. It is still happening to my family. That doesn't mean it has to define me. It doesn't mean that it is all that I am, that it is all my daughter is. That is the place I want to be, I just need some help getting there.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Sunday, April 03, 2005

The Story So Far

My mom got married yesterday, so forgive me for not getting back here any sooner. It's been a hectic week. Ok, here's the summary:

Peanut's doctor was pleased with the results. She has long scars from the middle of the tops of her thighs down below her knees, and one curving one on the instep of her foot. She still has a cast on that foot, up to her knee. Her legs are all flabby from her muscles atrophying, especially because she didn't have much there to begin with. She is wearing splints that go up the back of her foot and leg full-time except for physical therapy for the next two months, with one cast change in the middle. She is scheduled for her hip surgery June 13, after which she'll be in a body cast for six weeks. Then we should be done with surgery for a year, when they'll need to go back in and take out the pins they are going to put in her hip. Her knees bend to ninety degrees, but they don't straighten all the way right now. That's what her physical therapy is supposed to remedy. She is in some pain when they bend very much, but I don't think that's surprising, though I am checking with the doctor tomorrow about it since they didn't mention it at all. She's doing a lot better than before.

Cranky for the first few days as she got used to moving again, but happier today by far. She's remembered that she can roll over, and is relearning to sit without the stability and weight of the casted legs (though she still can't catch herself well when she tips, so she still can't be left to sit alone in the middle of the floor or anything). The doctor thinks her prognosis is very good. Her physical therapist hasn't seen her yet, so I don't know what she thinks will be happening when. I don't know how she'll learn to crawl with the splints on, and I don't yet know when he'll let her stop wearing them all the time and instead let her go to just nights. I am not thrilled that she'll be in a body cast in the middle of summer. But there is progress, and for that I am grateful.

We knew she was feeling better when she decided, still in tears, to start honking our noses.