You Thought I Felt Sorry For Myself Before? You Ain't Seen Nuthin' Yet

Stuff has been bothering me recently, and I have decided to go into counseling and deal with it. Specifically, I am having a difficult time letting go of my anger over Peanut's medical problems. I cannot seem to get over the grief I feel for my lost expectations of her life. This is affecting large portions of my life and my relationships. My husband and I are having a hard time getting along. I have virtually ignored some of my friends with healthy children, and am having a very difficult time being around the few I still see regularly. I feel like I have nothing in common with them anymore, and seeing their beautiful children walking and having a normal life is like a knife in the heart every day. My world has devolved into an obsession with disability politics, support groups, and medical journals.

Maybe this is normal. Maybe this is to be expected. That doesn't mean I have to like it. I don't want to limit myself to having as friends only people who know firsthand what I have been through, who have watched their baby wake up screaming after general anesthesia, who have spent time wondering if they'll even live, much less have some semblance of a normal life. I don't want to hurt people I love, to miss their children growing up.

I was reading the last few posts at Chez Miscarriage about infertile women not being comfortable sharing in the joy of others' healthy and easy conceptions and pregnancies. I never felt like that. Maybe it was because I didn't have to go through as much effort to get pregnant, just time. One of my dearest friends got pregnant the first month she tried, and while I was envious I didn't have any trouble hearing about it. I know I'm in the minority having fertility problems, and felt if I went around getting upset at people who had it easy that way I would be upset all the time. But here I am, with that anger I didn't feel during pregnancy, now aimed at people who did what the vast majority of women do, which is give birth to a healthy baby.

I am not surrounded by inconsiderate people. To the contrary, every single one of my friends has been wonderful to me. Some have been exceedingly supportive, there with me whenever I needed them. Some have treated me pretty much the same as always, so I could have someone to talk to when I didn't want to talk about anything related to Peanut's situation. So I don't know why it is that I feel so cut off from them now. I hate this. My friends should be able to share how well their kids are doing with me. I have always thought one of the great joys of having kids is being able to brag about them to other people who love them. It isn't like I don't (Despite what you see in that last picture, she can eat with a spoon now, and fairly well when she decides to. And she's made up her own signs to tell me she is hungry!). I feel like I am being horribly selfish, like I am asking others to walk on eggshells if they want to be my friend. How can I call myself a friend when I can't allow them to share the most important part of their lives with me? And my poor husband. I feel like I have nothing else to talk about with him, and I expect him to always be strong for me, because I have no strength left for anyone else.

So that's why I am going to get the counseling. It has been suggested that maybe I'm being too hard on myself. It is possible. All I know is that I need to let go of this and move on. This has happened to my family. It is still happening to my family. That doesn't mean it has to define me. It doesn't mean that it is all that I am, that it is all my daughter is. That is the place I want to be, I just need some help getting there.